Control Freak

Ran across this conversation I had about God with a friend on August 2, 2011. Almost 1 year to the date that I was saved.

Rebekah

have you surrendered your life to god? your will to his? does he direct your path now?

Friend
im trying to let him. i cant say that he does 100% cause that would be a lie but im attemping to

Rebekah
you can't give up 99% of your life to god i know that. as long as i'm holding out 1% i'm holding out 100%. i don't love jesus

Friend
so what are you going to do?

Rebekah

i dunno. i know god has a plan for my life whether i'm on board or not. i'll prolly have to suffer a lot more
i tell ya...that would be amazing if you found jesus! gives hope to me

Friend
dont say that... it makes it seem like im past the point of no return

Rebekah
you just have a bigger impact than i would. i'm already a good person on the outside. it's my heart that's hard.


I've really been contemplating this conversation...what did I mean when I said I would probably have to suffer?? Have I had an impact? Even though most of the changes are heart-issues? 

This conversation takes on new meaning for me since I'm currently struggling with faith. God knew 2 years ago that I would be going through these things today and he brings back my words to convict me...you can't give up 99% of your life to God. I wish so bad I could see the "good" in this situation that is promised in Romans 8:28. But I can't. I just have to trust.

And then I realized that there is no better place in the world to be. There is nothing I can say to make things better. There is nothing I can do to fix things. It's out of my control. I'm completely, utterly reliant on the grace of God. I can let go and just rest in his love. Because he loves me, this I know.